Earlier this month, I wrote about how saying no can be a valuable part of self-care, but in a world that has conditioned us to yes, it can be incredibly hard to identify, let alone voice, our objections.
How can you find and use what author Sunita Sah calls your True No?
As is often the case, the first step is identifying what you’re feeling. If something seems off or uncomfortable to you, pay attention. Do you get a tightening sensation in your chest? A sinking in the pit of your stomach? A moment of, “Wait, what?” These are the first signs of your inner voice telling you something isn’t quite right. The voice of your true values, if you will. Listen when it speaks!
Your next step is just to pause. Buy yourself a little time, even if it’s just to take a breath. (Longer is often better, of course, but it’s also not always possible.) In that pause, ask yourself, “Is this me? Does this align with who I am?” This is true whether you’re getting a hard sell at a car dealership as well as if you’re being asked to do something at work, so give yourself the pause.
If your answer is no, then you have a few choices. If voicing your objections would be too risky, for whatever reason, it’s okay to go along with things. Your safety, physical, psychological, and financial, can be your priority. Simply note that you are complying for now, but you have concerns.
But if there isn’t a big risk, or if you realize your voice can have an impact, then you can choose to use it. Ask a question (“Why are we doing this?”) or share your opinion (“This doesn’t feel right to me”). Once you’ve broken the ice, others may chime in, as well.
After you’ve raised your objections, you still wind up with a choice. Do you comply anyway, or is it time to refuse? Both are fair options to consider, so don’t force yourself into something you’re not ready for. The more you flex your resistance muscle, the stronger it will become. As the fitness trainers love to remind us, it’s about progress, not perfection!
