A bad boss can make your work a thousand times more difficult than it needs to be. If you’re floundering because of one, you’re not alone. As has been said over and over, people leave managers, not companies.
In my experience, one of the hardest bosses to deal with is the passive-aggressive personality. For the sake of clarity, I define passive-aggressive behaviors as things that undercut another person without direct confrontation. For example, a passive-aggressive boss might say, “I was surprised to see you took on that task,” implying that you ordinarily shirk tasks. Other behaviors include not responding to your requests, especially where you really need help; agreeing to do something and then not doing it, responding to you with subtle insults or digs (or sometimes sarcasm), withholding key information, and the like. In my particular direct experience with this, I had a manager who was fond of saying things like, “Help me help you” whenever I expressed frustration, and then ignoring any requests I made, including answers to questions that I needed before I could continue my tasks. (The language is important here, too, as it implies that I was consistently in need of help, which wound up making me doubt my own competence so eventually I did always need help.) These behaviors are so damaging to relationships that sometimes those can’t be repaired. I left that job, for instance, and have never looked back.
But if you aren’t in a position to leave your job, or if you simply don’t want to, here are some ways to deal with those behaviors.
First of all, anticipate passive-aggressive patterns from that particular person. Remember that these things can be subtle enough that you think you’re making it up. But sulking, backhanded compliments, procrastination, being unreliable, and refusal to communicate are all passive-aggressive behaviors. So if you work with someone like that, know these things are coming and be ready. Reminding yourself of this before an interaction will help you not respond immediately with something you’ll regret. One of the goals of a passive-aggressive person is to get you angry enough that you respond with the anger the other person isn’t able to express.
Don’t stoop to their level. It’s really tempting—I’ve done it myself a few times. But it’s also really not helpful. If your boss constantly ignores your requests for information, you have probably at least fantasized about ignoring his requests for project updates. But keep that in the realm of fantasy! Meeting their fire with your own only makes there be an unspoken contract between you and the other person, and that contract is to continue to communicate in damaging ways moving forward. Instead, write down your responses, and then give yourself a little break. When you’re feeling less immediately irritated, bring up the situation as respectfully (and privately) as you can: “I noticed you made some sarcastic comments about my work last week and I wanted to check in with you. Were you joking around or are you truly unhappy with my work? If you have some suggestions about how I can improve, I would be interested in hearing them.”
Think about ways you can improve your own communication style so it short-circuits passive-aggression. Listen actively, and express empathy. Ask clarifying questions, and smile as though you mean it. If you feel yourself start to get angry, excuse yourself to “go to the restroom” and take a walk around the block or whatever else you need to do so you don’t feel so engaged with the other person’s drama.
Express your own communication preferences. You can be pretty direct with this if that’s comfortable: “I really dislike sarcasm even when it’s intended as a joke. Could you please simply ask me to do things you need from now on?” Then you can ask how your coworker prefers to be communicated with, leaving the door open (hopefully) for productive conversations. This will not be an easy talk to have, but you will thank yourself later.
Set healthy boundaries. Let everyone know when you need things from them, and remind yourself not to pick up slack that falls outside your areas of responsibility. This absolutely isn’t slacking; it’s protecting your own work and keeping yourself from burnout.
Finally, ask for help if you need it. Ask the people around you who are better communicators for their tips. Managers, team leads, wise coworkers, friends outside work—talk to anyone you think might offer you some wisdom. And if you need to, go to HR and have a conversation about it, but if you do, make sure you have specific examples of the person’s behavior so you’re not just talking about a vague feeling you have.
